Luke had a shopping day at preschool during the Christmas season. He picked out fuzzy socks for me. He really wanted me to open them and could not wait until Christmas. Of all the gifts he picked, he wanted me to open mine first. Then he said, "You will want to keep it forever!" "I got it for you because there's as lot of dirty socks around the house."

So. sweet.

Where are you, God? I'm so uncomfortable in my own body. I hate this. How do I go on? How can I raise kids? How can I live the rest of my life like this? Please, restore my breathing. Please! .. even if it's just so that I can function again. Please, God. I  need a miracle.

Recently, God, my breathing has been so hard. I feel like I am walking breathing in sauna air. It's terrifying... especially since the mere act of sitting in the car, or sitting at a show (like last night's Prelude to Christmas) made me intensely uncomfortable...gasping for air, even. :(

God, I know I have been screaming a lot and I have been delighting in evil. (I confess it makes me happy sometimes to hurt those who have hurt me. I know that is not from you -- change me, take away my wickedness and give me a clean heart, Oh Lord -- one that You do not despise.)

Please, in Your mercy, restore me to health. Restore my throat and my capacity to take in more air, fresh air, full air...whatever is causing this restriction, please forgive me and help me to be kind and loving, full of discipline in my own life. Help me to take ownership of what my children see and observe from me.

Please help us, God! Here on Earth and soon. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thanksgiving 2019

I suffered. I gasped for air. I felt air hungry when I needed to show up for my kids. I hated my life. I felt disappointment and I felt hopeless.

But I was thankful for the chance to paint together. I was also thankful for the walk we were able to squeeze in, despite the rain and cold. I was glad to talk to Diana and Fred, and to be invited into their home. Most of all, what Josiah said really made my heart glad:

"I love Daddy. And Mommy. And Wuke. And.... and... house."

It touched me because it reminded me that HE is happy to be a part of our family. He's happy here, even though some of us are not.

There are few good days. Most days I feel my disability. Just now, I was sitting, leaning forward and having a hard time breathing. Then leaning back, I feel a tiny hole in which I can breathe. I feel angry, like I want to scream. I want to give up, do something self-sabatoging like eat something bad. I can't sit and talk to my family member without feeling a shortness of breath. My breathing was so much better, even though it was not great, before Dr. Epstein performed this bronchoscopy on me. And the angering part of this all is that no one believes me. I believe he was in a rush to pull that scope out of my nostril. I felt a scratch as he was pulling it out. I feel he caused residual damage, whether to the trachea, or vocal cord... or something else. It has almost been a full year. A full, fucking year. Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life? How can I ever get better? Who can ever look into me and see damage to vocal cords or trachea and FIX it? Where is my hope? Where are you, God?

22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly[f] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” [26] [g]

Walking Away, with More

I need to document this or I will forget.

On Sunday, we went back to FOL after being away for almost a month. It was refreshing for me to listen to Sarah share a personal account with a few college students who accepted Jesus into their hearts and were freed from demonic oppression. I was in-tuned, until I checked Nextdoor and saw that we were the first runners up for my dream play structure for the kids. Passing it up would be utterly FOOLISH. It was free, it was located nearby, and it was exactly what I would have wanted for us to have.

But dream doesn't meet with reality. The reality was -- we have a play structure. We are tired, spent, and it would cost us time, labor, and unnecessary stress to try to get it. Not only that -- but I was feeling a lot of pain (this was before I took an extra dose of Tirosint). I heard that sermon and I wanted so run back into the arms of Jesus... but suddenly, I was gone. I was lost in the desire for manna. More manna, but more means where do they go? And surely, they would rot. We would rot if we had more. We would rot if we sacrificed what was in front of us for all the excess "fluff". I told David about the play structure, and clearly he wanted to please me. He was obliging and was going to let me get it. But I looked at him and told him firmly to speak truth to me. And that if he thought we should not get it, we should not. Truthfully I didn't need him to say anything -- I knew we should not get it. Jesus was telling me.

The moment we decided that we were not going to get it, I cried. Real tears. Because it was painful for me to let go.

But then when I left the service, I felt light, and free. I was ready to meet my children and focus on them, rather than the millions of things that needed to be done in order to get that play structure into our backyard.

Later that evening, Luke shared a story he had heard at his sunday school. He said, it was about a man who was very sad when Jesus told him to get rid of all his toys and money. I felt like it was so appropriate. It confirmed that Jesus really wanted me to walk away from that play structure. I shared that story with Luke -- about how I wanted to get the play structure but in my heart I heard Jesus say no. So I turned away from it. Luke didn't say anything after hearing me describe the perfect play structure, and then suddenly tell him that we were not going to get it. He leaned over and buried his face in my arms in a way that told me he was truly sad.

I asked me if we could sell our other play structure and get a new one. I said maybe. But really -- I should have said Maybe but probably not. We have enough. We do not need nice things or bigger things to be happy. We just need each other.

God, give me the strength and the grace to pull that off. How do I pull off that less is more? I really want to get rid of things and focus on the things that are very important to me -- my children, my family. My Jesus.

Mommy, remember when Josiah vominated yesterday?

Actually, I'm going to wait for daddy to wipe my butt.
Oh ok...Daddy does a better job?
Yeah, because last time you didn't wipe my butt very well.

Butt wiping ... A for Daddy. F for Mommy.

I very love you in the world. - Luke

Luke's theories on dinosaurs:

Luke: "Did you know in the book it says no one knows how dinosaurs died... BUT I DO!"(He's convinced of meteoroids.)

Julie: "Dinosaurs can't eat people because they died already."
Luke: "But it's ok... did you know that God made dinosaurs after they died?"

The Father says today, I am your shelter and your high tower. From the ends of the earth My wind will blow to drive back those ranged against you, until the heavens open and the Daystar arises in full in your life. You will abide in My tabernacle forever. I am your defense in the night and your covering in the midst of the storm. I will prolong your life and your years to many generations. Not for your own righteousness but for the virtue of My name on which you have put your trust.

I have heard your vows, says the Father. What promise will you make Me? What bargain will you strike with Me that will move Me any further than the scope of the price of Calvary? The price is paid, says the Father. What remains for you is one thing-fear not, only believe! The mercy I have prepared for you does not come from anything that you might do to impress Me or move Me to love you more than I do at this moment. Rest in that truth and rest in the wind of My Spirit that leads you this day to the Rock that is Higher than you.

 I will always be right on time, and though it may not seem so, I show up early to make Myself known to you in deliverance and declare Myself to you as the God whose promise is always yes and amen.

Saw sparkly high heels at a thrift store today. Luke said, "Mommy! Look! These shoes are PERFECT for you!!!" LOL :)

Dr. CK said she heard a wheeze on my lower left lobe. It's been 2 months. Two freakin months. He biopsied at least 1 cm of my lung tissue. How can I recover from this? I'm out of breath sitting, standing, talking. How do I keep going? I have kids. I just turned 36. What have I done?! Why did Dr. E do this to me?!!? What was he thinking?? What was I THINKING? God, please get me out of this mess. Please, God. Heal my breathing. Shift something. Open something. Here on earth. Soon. Please, God!