Yesterday I went to Downtown Disney with my 4 kids. I had my backpack on, lunch packed and diapers/spare clothes along with everything. Right away I was turned off by the manufactured sights everywhere. People dressed as animated characters, plastics and artificiality adorning their bodies. Food stands crowded the sceneds, selling the most disgusting fake junk you'd imagine. Yet people lined up everywhere, stuffing themselves silly and paying good money for them. Hot dogs, chips, churros... and God knows what else! I felt so out of place. Until we found the hotel. Beautiful landscape. Antique, old-fashioned architecture and furnishings. Stain glass windows. High rise ceilings with beautifully carved wood decorations. And then we exited. But upon exiting, we needed to turn ourselves over. Or should I say, I. My backpack was rummaged through by a man with black gloves. Opening every pocket, digging through each and every item. Food, diapers, baby clothes. It was so violating, interrogative, and upsetting. I opted to be "wanded" instead of entering through the metal detector. As a result, the woman treated me with disdain. She barked at me, ordered me around, and waved that thing all over me. Power. Disgusting what people will do with power. 

I learned something yesterday. Number one. I hate Disneyland (and this was not even Disneyland... just downtown Disney). I also hate manufactured "fun" .... I hate these types of places. Number two, it made me think about freedom. What is Freedom? I "traded" in my freedom for a few hours at a place associated with the happiest place. But I was not happy and I felt imprisoned. I longed to escape to where nature abounded. Trees, plants growing everywhere, space, less people. I realized how much I love simplicity, and spacious nature-laiden spaces.

Today on our walk, I discovered that another couple I knew from church has moved. To Utah. And the more I learn of people making the move, the more I find myself asking, "Why am I still in California?" 

I really pray we can move out. Soon.

Julie, you DON'T have cancer...

Those are the words that I have heard over and over from the people You have put in my life. 

Yet, I worry. I get checked. I take supplements. I try to eat the right things. I try to do the right things.

And yet, those are the words I need to hold on to. You have put people in my life to speak those words to me. I know that it is hard when I have had so much PTSD growing up. Lord, help me to believe these words. Let me believe they are YOUR truths for me, so that I may truly live...

Yes, I do not have cancer.

I have a beautiful family. You have given me the gift of motherhood. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for my home.

I am healthy. I am well. I am healing. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I will take care of it. I can take care of it.

Slow down

 

2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

 

Since moving back home from our major upheaval, and then losing my mom, I have had a hard time controlling my emotions. I continue to struggle with being a mom, in my marriage, and on top of everything else - resettling in our house with 4 kids. 

 I have turned to food to escape. Not just that, but I have found myself in the very place I used to be in college -- eating impulsively, and then feeling utterly sick. Now that I am 40 years old, I know I cannot do that.

 Yesterday, I lost control in many ways. I am not proud of myself. I hate that my boys see and hear this. I need a break. I need change. 

 God, I know you have given me self control and power, and love. So please give me the courage and strength to change. 

 Today is a new day. My goals? Simply to be more mindful, to slow down, and to allow myself to "feel" all the feelings, even those that are uncomfortable.