End of Year / Birthday Reflection

The year 2023 started off with me holding my new daughter in my arms, only 3 days old. My family and I were displaced and living in temporary housing. In a few weeks, we moved back into our home, and I began unpacking 1/3rd of our home, after being boxed up for mold remediation. Then I lost my mother on the third month, after my son turned 3 years old, and my daughter 3 months old. My mother died 3/31. 

 My mother was abusive to me. For years I dreaded my relationship with her. But God gave me the gift of forgiveness. Hatred has been replaced by love.

After Thanksgiving, I began weaning Pearl, and I started coming out of the dark cloud I had been living under. After a decade of narcissist abuse from my older sister, I finally closed the door on that relationship. She preyed on me innocently when I came down to Long Beach from being away for years in Northern California. Expectations to be her side-kick, her best friend, my matron of honor, to be obsessed with her children (attend baseball games for Henry, etc.), to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner (and host it the way she wanted), to wish her a happy birthday and attend her birthday gatherings, etc. Getting cussed out, pushing me to tears after being in that relationship for years, until it became 'normal' and feeling like I had to walk on eggshells.

After another decade of bending over to Barbara's manipulative control, I finally woke up from the nightmare that I had allowed into my life. I finally decided to choose my family. I finally decided to choose my husband and my kids. I no longer choose her, my "mother-in-law." I break off any ties, any societal pressure to perform for her, to give to her, to feel guilty and hand over to her pictures, information, and so forth... even when David has actually asked me not to do any of these things. I somehow unofficially joined her woe-to-me-sick club. Misery loves company, so they say. But I don't want to be in that club anymore. It occurred to me the day she said she had been praying for me and I told her, "Actually, I don't have chronic pain." It felt freeing to step out of that confined box, and to declare victory and good health over myself.

I read a quote the other day: "I used to tolerate a lot because I didn't want to lose people. But now I realized that those aren't my people." My mother's passing revealed to me the brevity of life, and I realized that I don't have to keep living the way I've been living to please others. I turned 40 at a tumultuous time, a time in which I could not think outside of survival. Now that I am out of that mode for the most part, I am seeing things clearly. Forty is young. Forty means I get to really live. And as I approach 41, I am choosing myself, I am choosing a second chance for myself. And I am choosing life.

Help...

Dear God,
Only You know what is happening in my ear/head. Please, Lord, take it away or at least help the symptoms to improve. Help me live a normal life, one without panic, anxiety, and hopelessness. Please, Lord. You've done it before with my breathing. Please do it again. If You are willing, heal me here on earth and soon.

I Don't Have a Mother

Today, I sent the MIL a message. "Goodbye!"

It came down to one thing: continue to nurture the relationship with her, while hurting my second born, or nurture my relationship with him, and let that forced, unrealistic, suffocating MIL - DIL relationship go. After 6 years of suppression, I'm letting the superficial, toxic relationship with her go.

And what newfound freedom I have. When my mother died, I realized one thing: I don't have a mother. I never did, never will. Her death did not leave me mother-less. I was already motherless. 

And now, I can move on. Mother-free. 

My job now is to mother my own children, and mother the inner child. 

 

Regret

For many years, I have regret getting that second bronchoscopy. It has haunted me for so long.

Today, I am letting go of that regret. To the Julie in 2018, you made the best decision at the time for yourself and for your family. At the time, it was what felt right. Looking back, it was not the right thing to do. But at the time, it was. 

So I forgive you, Julie of 2018 for that decision. And now, we move on and embrace life as it is. 

Today is what matters.

 Yesterday, my Zachy-bear got a haircut. His first haircut since birth. It was monumental, expected... yet unexpected.

I had been thinking for a long time that he should get a haircut. The back of his head was filled with tangles and he looked (to me) like he was neglected and not cared for. Beneath his wild hair were dirty fingernails and a child who was not potty-trained. For a while, I would tie his hair and call it a man bun. It made me feel a little better, but he resisted it. He said it hurt his head, and so I would bribe him to do it. It was about me, not about him. It was about my concerns that he did not look cared for -- what would others think of me, after all?

I started to ask him if he wanted to cut his hair. At the beginning of summer vacation, I took the boys to get haircuts and tried to get him to cut his hair. The result? He ran off and said, "No!"

I started to add on the list of things to do: "Take Zachy to get a haircut" and began to look up places with spaceship chairs and places that offered balloons to kids who cut their hair. I hyped it up for him. Each time, he'd say something like "Not yet. Until I'm a daddy."

Yet, there were mixed messages in all that. At times he said he wanted me to cut his hair. "Ma, can you cut my hair? I want YOU to do it." He even communicated to me that he wanted a haircut so he could see better. Yet I didn't get to it. I had mixed feelings and thoughts about that. When will I find the time? Will I have to clean my haircut supplies? What if it looks bad? So I put it off.

Then yesterday happened. Yesterday was the first day of the new school year. I wanted Josiah to get a haircut, and I also wanted the boys to pick out new shoes and helmets. Yesterday, I was going to empower them to make their own choices. But not the haircut part. No. I was going to pick out Josiah's haircut. Yep.

But then, when the woman was finished cutting Josiah's hair she asked if Zachary would let her brush his hair. He nodded and agreed. Then, we both asked him if he wanted a haircut. Yes, he said. Yes, he nodded. One thing led to another. He said yes the whole way through. And then, slowly I saw the locks fall from his head. The first cut, though, was missed. It was missed because Josiah needed help with his workbook page. 

Disappointment. Frustration. I felt these things in my stomach. I tried to take a deep breath and moved on.

The rest of the time, I was there. I stood, videotaped him, photographed him, and cheered him on. He smiled... but was it genuine? What was he really thinking? Did he think he needed to get a haircut? Did he feel pressured this whole time? I was on the sidelines cheering him on. What was I thinking? That it had to be this way? 

The locks fell to the ground. I scampered to gather them up and bag them, my heart breaking each time.

Finally, it was finished.

He looked... different. 

I came home. I wrestled. I stayed up until midnight wondering if I had made the right decision. Why did I push for this for so many months? And really, did I push for this? No, maybe he wanted this? And I had to step back and empower him to make his own choices? Did I do the right thing? Then why does my heart hurt so much?

His baby hair is gone. Forever. The locks. Gone forever. 

Why did it matter so much what others thought of me as his mother? Who cares of others looked at me and wondered, "Why didn't she cut his hair?" Who cares what society says. 

Is this a lesson in life that runs deeper? Why do I let the world boss me around so much? As a mother, I can sleep with my children. I can let them play wildly outside. I can say no to goldfish and candy. I can say no to school.

I can say no to living in a suburban society. 

I can say Yes to free play. I can say yes to organic, real food. I can say yes to growing my own food and raising backyard hens.

Ugh. And today I am up at 6. Because I couldn't sleep. It all happened so quickly.

Now, I ask myself ... how do I slow it all down? 

I begin today.

 

 

 

Yesterday is gone. But I have today. Today, he is still Zachy. Today he still loves to cuddle. Today, he wants to be read to. Today, he is my 3-year-old and I am his mommy. Today, I will cherish the moments. Today, I will take it all in.

But first, I'm going to go back to bed and try to get more rest. 

Because I am going to need it.

 Yesterday I went to Downtown Disney with my 4 kids. I had my backpack on, lunch packed and diapers/spare clothes along with everything. Right away I was turned off by the manufactured sights everywhere. People dressed as animated characters, plastics and artificiality adorning their bodies. Food stands crowded the sceneds, selling the most disgusting fake junk you'd imagine. Yet people lined up everywhere, stuffing themselves silly and paying good money for them. Hot dogs, chips, churros... and God knows what else! I felt so out of place. Until we found the hotel. Beautiful landscape. Antique, old-fashioned architecture and furnishings. Stain glass windows. High rise ceilings with beautifully carved wood decorations. And then we exited. But upon exiting, we needed to turn ourselves over. Or should I say, I. My backpack was rummaged through by a man with black gloves. Opening every pocket, digging through each and every item. Food, diapers, baby clothes. It was so violating, interrogative, and upsetting. I opted to be "wanded" instead of entering through the metal detector. As a result, the woman treated me with disdain. She barked at me, ordered me around, and waved that thing all over me. Power. Disgusting what people will do with power. 

I learned something yesterday. Number one. I hate Disneyland (and this was not even Disneyland... just downtown Disney). I also hate manufactured "fun" .... I hate these types of places. Number two, it made me think about freedom. What is Freedom? I "traded" in my freedom for a few hours at a place associated with the happiest place. But I was not happy and I felt imprisoned. I longed to escape to where nature abounded. Trees, plants growing everywhere, space, less people. I realized how much I love simplicity, and spacious nature-laiden spaces.

Today on our walk, I discovered that another couple I knew from church has moved. To Utah. And the more I learn of people making the move, the more I find myself asking, "Why am I still in California?" 

I really pray we can move out. Soon.

Julie, you DON'T have cancer...

Those are the words that I have heard over and over from the people You have put in my life. 

Yet, I worry. I get checked. I take supplements. I try to eat the right things. I try to do the right things.

And yet, those are the words I need to hold on to. You have put people in my life to speak those words to me. I know that it is hard when I have had so much PTSD growing up. Lord, help me to believe these words. Let me believe they are YOUR truths for me, so that I may truly live...

Yes, I do not have cancer.

I have a beautiful family. You have given me the gift of motherhood. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for my home.

I am healthy. I am well. I am healing. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I will take care of it. I can take care of it.

Slow down

 

2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

 

Since moving back home from our major upheaval, and then losing my mom, I have had a hard time controlling my emotions. I continue to struggle with being a mom, in my marriage, and on top of everything else - resettling in our house with 4 kids. 

 I have turned to food to escape. Not just that, but I have found myself in the very place I used to be in college -- eating impulsively, and then feeling utterly sick. Now that I am 40 years old, I know I cannot do that.

 Yesterday, I lost control in many ways. I am not proud of myself. I hate that my boys see and hear this. I need a break. I need change. 

 God, I know you have given me self control and power, and love. So please give me the courage and strength to change. 

 Today is a new day. My goals? Simply to be more mindful, to slow down, and to allow myself to "feel" all the feelings, even those that are uncomfortable.     

CM Handicraft Fair

 And that's a wrap. I am so proud of Luke for basically putting together the bristlebots and LED flash lights on his own. I am proud of Josiah for participating last minute... and Zachary? Well, he was adorable. It was cute when he'd wander about, and then one of the boys would stop him and say, "Zachary! You earned a dollar! Someone bought one of your strawberries!" and he would make that excited face. I laughed and told David, "Passive income at its finest!" 

And of course, look at Pearl's sweet face. She turned heads for sure! My bundle of joy with rolls upon rolls!

The rest of the year

 God, give me Your peace. Help me to trust in You and let go of these negative lies.  I pray Your healing here on earth and Your protection over my life. Allow me to live a long life, so that I may see the works of Your mighty hand. Help me live for You and not for myself. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done. 

--Psalm 118:7

Today

Dear Julie,

  Today is the day that changes everything. The choices you make today will set you on the course to live your fullest life moving forward. Every choice you make today will help the Julie of tomorrow. So make those good choices. Don't give up. Don't sabotage your work. Don't bypass your knowledge. Don't think this is too good to be true, and ruin it. Stay on the course. Don't follow what everyone else is doing. Don't listen to naysayers. Stay focused. Today is the day that changes everything. 

Your 4 children are your reasons. And because of HER, you have a reason to recommit to yourself.