I walked 2 miles at the nature center today. My legs are strong--I could walk forever. But my chest started to feel heavy after some time. I really hate this heaviness feeling. I don't know what's going on inside of me -- but it feels low, like at the base of my lungs. I feel like there is a collapse there, or a deflation of some kind. Only You know, God. Doctors do not know, and they can't figure it out.

God, please dissolve this heaviness. If there is a pneumothorax, atelectasis, or deflation/collapse of any kind, allow restoration and healing. Reinflate what has been injured. I don't ask for complete healing anymore -- I just ask for improvement, for incremental healing... to the point where I can function again. I don't have to be 100% my old self. I just need to be able to walk, stand, talk, sit, and care for my children. Also, I would love to be able to work again. Please take away this extreme heaviness, God. Please -- you are the great Physician. Only You can do it. Please also allow me to talk without feeling out of breath or winded while standing. Please do it for my family -- for David, Luke, and Josiah, if not for me.

Lord, as 2018 comes to an end... I look to You to speak to me in 2019. Let there be physical healing, here on earth... and soon. Please be merciful to our family. God, hear my cries. Hear our cries.

Despite feeling terrible, being in nature helped. I can't get enough of Your creation. You are truly beautiful.

It's so hard to breathe well. God, please do not let this be permanent. How can I go on? Please... help.

The Father says today, I have not forgotten you. I have not forgotten you, and I am not ignoring the cry of your heart. I want you to understand that the first time you petitioned Me, the answer promised was recorded on tablets of emerald with a diamond point. My promise will be realized in your life, and it will not fail. Just understand that My timing is not your timing. Stay in a posture of trust as I give others in the situation space to repent until that door is closed, and then your deliverance will be fully manifest even beyond what you thought I was willing to do in your behalf.

Do you trust Me? Then let Me take it from here, says the Father. I am not asking you to learn from anything other than the promises found in My word regarding what you are going through. I am not using the work of the enemy to perfect anything on the inside of you. Am I not the Teacher? Did I not say that I would teach you ALL THINGS? Then why would I use the tempter or the oppression of the enemy to accomplish any aspect of My purposes? That isn't what you were taught but be a Father pleaser and understand this; you are CLEAN through the word I have spoken to you. You are clean, and you are eligible for the promotion that only comes from My hand.

I can't believe I turn 36 tomorrow and I am feeling so incredibly hopeless. Hopeless because I got that second bronchoscopy and now I don't know if I can recover from this hell. It's been almost 2 months. It's been HELL. God, please return me to the state I was in before the bronchoscopy. You know I don't even care to be 100% restored anymore. Please, God.

The Father says today, I am not a far-off God. I am not far off, and I am not hiding Myself. You have asked the question, "where are you, God?" Pause a moment and hear My still small voice, says the Father, for I am right here, as close as the breath of your body. I see your distress, and I see your desperation. Feel My arms of grace encircling you and giving you strength for the day and strength to endure what seems so unendurable. What the enemy means for your destruction will fall out in your favor as I move to heal and restore and reconstitute your hope and your trust in Me, even in the darkest of seasons.

The enemy that lurks in secret places is being routed before you. Your eyes will see it, for I have seen the cleanness of your hands and the innocence of your heart. I will act, and I am moving to save you from every threat and intimidation of the enemy against you. You may feel helpless, but you are not helpless. Things may look bleak, but they are not bleak. You may feel as though your world is crashing in but look again, says the Father - see the hope and life that I am bringing forth in your behalf. You are not forgotten, and I have not hidden My face from you. Even now, trouble and vexation are going, and deliverance is being manifested to restore your trust and reconstitute your testimony of My faithfulness in your life.

I am so incredibly depressed. I can't breathe well. I feel like I am suffocating all the time. I can't play with my kids. I can't take care of myself. I can't cook. I can't do anything. Why is this happening, God? Where are you? Please deliver me! Please rescue me! Please heal my body from these debilitating symptoms. This is ABSOLUTE HELL.

God, I pray this is not a pneumothorax of any kind. I have such trouble breathing. I feel like there is a block in my chest and I can't keep going on like this. I pray that the time that has passed with me not doing anything will not lead to any further complications, such as tension pneumothorax. Please, God... I pray this is going to pass. Please do not let me get any more x-rays or a CT scan. Please!! This is too much for me. Have mercy on me, God. Lift this breathing issue from my chest. Please, God....

Me: What are you thankful for?
Luke: I'm thankful for God.
Me: Why are you thankful for God?
Luke: Because I love him! And because he heals me.
Me: Ohhh... you mean, when he healed your leg?
Luke: Yeah! And my bug bite.

God heals.

The Father says today, I am driving the spirit of infirmity out and away from you. I took your weaknesses upon Myself on the tree. I bore your sicknesses that you might go free of every ailment and difficulty. What man can only help you manage, I will completely and entirely deliver you from. I am rewriting the genetic code of your DNA right down in your bones, in your mind and your emotions. I am excising the genetic predisposition for illness and infirmity encompassing every modern plague. What others have experienced, you will not, says the Father, because the power of the Blood of the Son is your defense from every curse and physical disability.

As are your days so shall be your strength, says God. The day comes when men shall live as long as trees, and you are one of My trees of righteousness. Breathe in of My rest and breath out the release of My vitality for every challenge. You will be well, says the Father, even in spite of the environment or unhealthy choices of days past. Learn the lessons of the past and know that I will assist and strengthen you to make the changes that support health and strength. In the midst of it all, I will cause your stamina to be increased and your vitality to draw from the tap roots of My power and strength for the tasks that are at hand, says the Father. As you go about the demands of your day, so shall be your strength for the challenge each and every day from this day forward.

The Father says today, you are not in a problem, you are in a process. You are not in trouble, you are in transition. Refuse to put roots down where you are for I am taking you on from glory to glory. I will not leave you in the place of struggle for that is not your portion.

Little Green Leaf

He rambled the other day...about little green leaf. It was gone.

He screamed, wept uncontrollably when the balloon flew away. He watched it sail away into the blue open skies. He would never get it back. He buried his head in my arms.

Loss. It hurts. Grief. It doesn't just go away.

Lord,
We have experienced a tremendous amount of loss over the years. Loss of health. Loss of a baby. Loss of innocence. Loss of dignity. Loss of promises. Loss of work.
Lord, when will this stop? When will we see restoration? When will we be delivered? When will you come and bring back what was stolen? Is it because of sin? Is it because of a curse? Was it because of what I've done? Is it because of what he's done? Lord, forgive us of our sins! Forgive us! Do you see Luke? Do you see Josiah? Do you love them? If you love them, then why is this happening? I don't ask for all of this to stop. I just ask for restoration. I just ask for recovery. I ask for some kind of restoration...

Make there be peace again. Make there be mental, emotional stability. Make mommy 'able' again. Make the hurt heal.

Help, Lord. Where are you? We need you. We're desperate for you.

The body...

Luke:
The body wants milk now.
My body wants to play.

Ostrich

Luke: Tongue in and out. -
Me (getting frustrated)... Luke, do you hear what Mommy said? You need to give me an answer.
Luke: Ostriches don't answer.

Luke was driving me crazy talking the whole time I was trying to focus. Finally, I said, "You talk too much, Luke! Why you talk so much??" and then what did he say? He said, "Because I love you!"

<3

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/palilalia-child-whispers-and-repeats-under-his-breath

I feel it in my upper chest today. Should I get a CT scan? Would a bronchoscopy be safe? God, please guide us... lead us... bring healing. In Jesus' Name.

I'm so tired... have not started AIP on the right foot. I'm hoping that when the kitchen is done that I can get back to that. Instead, due to a terrible night's sleep... I'm drinking coffee right now... trying to enjoy the morning but I know I've gotta wake the kids up soon.

I discovered a beautiful nature trail today and walked on it with Josiah. Compared to yesterday's walk, today was marked with chest heaviness and a restriction, gasping for air. It was awful. The alluring smells of herbs and flowers, the refreshing greenery -- all felt like a torment as I suffered in my body. I cried out to God... "Help, have mercy." I've echoed these words to him daily, consistently, faithfully for almost 2 years now.

Yesterday's walk was not perfect, but it was manageable... and it was an escape. It gave me some hope. Today's walk was a nightmare. Now, I have no hope.

I had just gotten out of counseling with Tara prior to my walk, in this building that smelled awful -- like toxic chemicals and mold. I'm hoping that my trouble breathing is all related to that... and that by the grace of God, it will go away. I'm praying hard. I'm praying hard for relief. I'm praying hard for healing. I'm praying hard for a miracle.

Today's prophetic word... 

Look to Me and say, "Father, you are My relief and My deliverance..." For I am refining you and I am delivering you and I am bringing you relief in the midst of the trial.

God, give me the faith to believe... 

Back on the road

My Josiah is turning 9 months this Sunday. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that God knitted him in me and used basically 9 months to grow this adorable, sweet child in my body. Recently, David and I have so been enjoying his love for food and his zest for life! He is always eager to go, quick to move and explore the world around him. I think he got his passion for life and his persistence to "get out there" and interact with the world from me. Though I am walking through the valley, I am relentless to give up. I refuse to let this breathing difficulty, this knot, this undiagnosed heaviness in my chest stop me from pursuing my dreams and miss out on the very precious life that God has graciously given me.



This afternoon, I saw a new doctor. My gem of a doctor has recently moved out of state, and I am left trying to navigate this frustrating healthcare system almost from the start again. I didn't have high hopes going into this doctor's appointment. I read reviews and looked at her credentials. Then I saw her, and although I did not have great expectations going into the appointment, I was still appalled by how dismissive she was. She was able to access my medical files and read notes from other doctors and concluded that I have anxiety. She did not take time to evaluate me, but simply referred me on to other specialists...


... which I suppose is a good thing. I will be seeing a neurologist, endocrinologist, cardiologist and pulmonologist through UCLA in the near future. Although I want to push forward in seek answers, I am also dreading the potential endless doctor visits and all the stress that comes with them -- the racking of medical bills, the constant trouble of finding trustworthy childcare, the challenge of being present with my children during such taxing times. When I found out I was pregnant with Josiah, I put a pause on seeking treatment and undergoing diagnostic tests. And although that led to me feeling physically unwell during my second viable pregnancy (third pregnancy total) and then the 9 months postpartum, it's been kind of nice not having to think about the stress of seeing doctors again.


But here I am. God, will You bless this road I am on? Will you protect me, guide me, and ultimately heal me here on earth... and soon. Let it be soon, dear Lord. It's been so hard.

Quiet Morning

The boys are both asleep and this has been my second morning getting up early to have a cup of coffee and sit in front of the computer uninterrupted. I think time to myself definitely equates to a happier, less distracted mom. I am looking forward to getting back in our home, and creating a quiet, serene space so that anyone in our home will sense God's presence and have mental clarity and emotional encouragement to approach life optimistically. In the meantime, the Wenzels are pushing through -- living out of a suitcase, not showering often, eating out (thank God for healthy markets like Mother's), and just trying to be as flexible as possible. Life could be worse. I have 2 beautiful children, a loving husband, a home, a NEW kitchen, a house, and I am alive. Thank You, God.

I haven't blogged in a while but I want to remember all these fleeting moments, so here I am.


Josiah just learned to clap his hands! He learned this at church this past Sunday. It was too adorable!


I just purchased 2 Roolee dresses. From jeans and t-shirt to dresses. Wait! Wha? I have always been a tomboy, but underneath the tomboy layer, I have always desired to express my feminity. Being a mother has somehow led me to proudly embrace the fertile goddess in me, and I feel like these boutique dresses express what I feel like these days. I also love how their dresses would allow me to breastfeed, and they are not too form-fitting and uncomfortable. Flowy dresses are my thing. Their prints are also not foo flashy, but fit for all occasions. Stripes, plaids. Yes, please.



Recently, I have been feeling a weird in my head/chest. Some days it feels more scary than others. I am not writing for an audience, so I will say it here: I am really praying it is nothing, but am going to try to see a doctor and get this evaluated. The other day, I was struggling with anxiety and regret -- really wishing I never got that head CT scan in 2010 because I am always worried about my brain since. Praying (and believing) that God protected me then and is protecting me now, and will protect me in the future. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Reclaiming Loss

The GROWING vacillator parent

A good resource:

https://howwelove.com/blog/parenting-and-the-love-styles-the-vacillator/2180/

Lord, 
Give me strength not to be perfect, but to grow into the parent that Luke and Josiah need me to be.
In Jesus' Name. Amen.